A fear of what’s to come?
Yesterday I sat and yearned to be the person I once was, and yet I really don’t mind being the person I have become because we have tried to help as many as possible.
Would I have become the person I am now without the illness? Or would I have just carried on being the person I was, and to make matters worse, who will I become when this illness progresses to later stages?
Most days are now filled with worries like this, some days not so much, but never a day goes past without me worrying what’s about to happen. I stand and tell people I have seen what happened to my wonderful gran and my father, both died from this awful disease, I stand and say I have seen what’s to come!! I know my future unless a cure is found!! The horrors it brings!! I even sometimes say “I am at peace with myself “but am i? Am I really?
The honest truth is, through all my bravado and many smiles, I am frightened, I am as frightened as I have never been before, each day I feel as if I am getting a little worse, in fact I know I am, ok maybe not daily, but I have noticed a downturn in my health in general, the worst of it as you know, starting to have daylight hallucinations as I have come to call them, all this and only 57?
So? Where do we go from here? My consultant has said if it wasn’t for being kept so busy and doing what we do he really doesn’t think I would still be as active as what I am today, but what about the night terrors, the hallucinations that plague me, now DAY and NIGHT?? And what of my beautiful wonderful family who have supported me so much through the continuing bad times? What must be going through their minds as they watch each month passing as I seem to stumble through my days and get so lost for words during presentations sometimes, something that’s never happened before? How do they feel when my mind goes completely blank and they have to step in for me whilst watching the anguish in my eyes?
A FEAR OF WHATS TO COME IS SO CONFUSING!!
Norrms and family
Diagnosed with dementia 7 years ago aged just 50 and very frightened at times xxxxxxxxxxxxxx